Sleepwalking...

I Used to Sit for Hours

I used to sit for hours. Composing songs, writing big theme pieces of music. Weaving instruments and melodies together, creating places that people could go to. Places where I went to... anywhere but where I was! And hours could pass by without me moving until that last note was perfected... and then I'd look at the clock and realise that I had to stop. Because I'd have to get up early to go to a job that I didn't like, to pay for a flat that I didn't want to live in, to fit into a comfortable life so I and people around me could stay comfortable with their lives and me.

And in my sleepwalking hours at work, or driving home, or socialising with friends, that insidious question would pop up - "What the hell are you doing?" And after a couple of minutes and sometimes hours or days of torture, I'd lock it away in a special room at the back of my mind. Until the next time. Until the torture and frustration would become conscious again and I'd have to look at the excuses that I made up and the scenarios that I created, to ensure, that it was impossible for me to do what I really wanted to.

And to be honest. The double-life? The knowing that I could do something different and wasn't... was also shrouded in fear. The conflict inside my head would sometimes become so loud that I would switch off completely. Sometimes for days. As unconscious as I could be because the more numb I became, the less I would have to feel. And I became ill. My spirit was dying and then I became desperate. But desperation can be a marvelous thing! For me, desperation was a ledge that overlooked a dark, unknown, bottom less pit. Which was a bit disappointing as I thought I had gone as low as I could! But after a while, the climb back up began to look more appealing and there was true integrity in the idea that you can either keep doing what you don't want to and stay on 'desperate ledge', numb, in no-man's land, or you can be still be scared and go after what you want anyway!

And later on... soon after... I was asked a very poignant question. "If you had a week to live and you truly knew it... and anything was possible... what would you do?"

And so I did. I looked up and realised it couldn't be any more scary then looking down and I started to go after my dreams.

The above excerpt is taken from Caitriona Kenny's new album cover. Here's what else she has to say...

Not soon after I realised there had to be something more to life than what I was experiencing I was introduced to Mick MacKenzie and I attended his Self-Actualization weekend seminar. To say it was life changing, incredible, refreshing, difficult, hard and amazing, are all words that are just words. It is the experience that is always hard to explain. But since then, since that first class I am now doing my music full-time. It took me two years and lots of coaching from Mick and Nicole before I stepped into a recording studio... but it was this technology that helped me do it. My songs are being played on radio stations all over Ireland and I am working on the promotion of my first album and the song writing of the second. Before I did my first SA weekend, you couldn't get a note out of me. Thank you to Mick & Nicole for their courage in going after their dreams, so we can have the courage to go after ours.

Caitriona Kenny
Song writer, singer, musician
Ireland

Note: One of Caitriona's songs, James Kenny, was written and recorded in memory of her father who died in Milford Hospice, Co. Limerick, Ireland in March 1997. She has set up the 'James Kenny Foundation' and is donating all profits from that song to cancer hospices in Ireland. You can read more about her, buy the song, or make a contribution at: www.caitriona.co.uk